She Did What At The Holiday Office Party?

 

It’s that time of year. I post this every year at this time. One of my absolute favorites! There’s a moral to the story

 

Okay, the holiday office party has come and gone and now it’s time to return to work. What do you mean you’re too embarrassed to show your face there ever again? Remember  you promised yourself while getting ready that you would only have two cocktails TOPS and you would eat in between?

 

Well, that idea went right out the window as soon as the boss came up to you and discretely told you that when you got back to the office on Monday everyone’s work load was going to increase, and you’d be required to work overtime. Schmuck!…look at him grinning from ear to ear. Guess he didn’t keep to the 2 drink minimum rule either or the one about mixing business with pleasure….. and cue the mojitos!

 

 

If only there were some way to regain your composure, credibility, and integrity back.  Maybe no one really saw that YouTube video of you giving the boss the finger while standing behind his back and mocking his actions.  How were you to know that your co-worker was filming a documentary entitled The Protege’….what a kiss ass!

 

 

 

 And if only you hadn’t told everyone in the office last week that you found Tiffany and Steve going at it in the copy room.  Especially,  since he and you had locked yourselves in the men’s room and were going at it like wild gazelle. What were you thinking?

 

 

 And La Piece de Resistance you vomited on the dance floor, slipped in it, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken arm. 

Yeah, maybe no one will remember.

 

 1.) Have you ever done something at the holiday office party that you were completely ashamed of?

2.) Ever saw someone else make an ass of themselves?

3.) What’s your holiday party drink minimum?

 

Thanks Jean for making me Holiday sparkly and fabulous!

Clear Or Multi-Colored Lights?

It’s that time of year.  Tradionally, do you wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas or get a head start on it before Turkey Day?  Do you prefer clear lights…

 

Or multi-colored lights?

Carrot Toppings

Seriously, have you seen Carrot Top lately?  He’s kinda scary.  I saw him a few months back on an episode of Family Jewels with Gene Simmons and the guy is seriously turning into plastic and is so pumped full of steroids?

Here he looks like Ronald McDonald (minus the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets) if he ever got fired from McDonald’s and went to work for a health club.

 

Here he’s pulling a Lt. Dan  That’s just not right!

    

 

I think he wants to turn into Kathy Griffin.

 

Do you think if Griffin and Carrot Top had a baby it would look like this?

What celebrity do you think has had too much plastic surgery?

 

I’m Over The Top! (Apparently)

     Gary of the always entertaining and funny Gary’s World graced me with the Over the Top award.  I’m really flattered. It’ s my first award.  I’m starting a Wall of Blog Fame Thanks Gary.  Damn the hardest part for me will be finding 6 people to tag.   Thanks for leaving me Jean to tag Gary.   Oh my, that didn’t sound right!

So there’s a catch to accepting this award. You have to answer a few personal questions, but the catch is, you can only answer each question with one word. One word answers?  Are you up for the challenge?

Off I go….

1. Where is your cell phone?  Trunk

2. Your hair? Thick

3. Your mother? Loving

5. Your favorite food? Seafood

6. Your dream last night? Happy

7. Your favorite drink? Belevedere

8. Your dream/goal? Writer

9. What room are you in? Livingroom

10. Your hobby? Blogging

11. Your fear? Sharks

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Traveling

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren’t? Bilingual

15. Muffins? Blueberry

16. Wish list item? House

17. Where did you grow up? Ohio

18. Last thing you did? Read

19. What are you wearing? Jammies

20. Your TV? Off

21. Your pets? None

22. Friends? Few

23. Your life? Happy

24. Your mood? Content

25. Missing someone? Kids

26. Vehicle? GrandAm

27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When was the last time you laughed? Lastnight

31. Last time you cried? Lastweek

32. Your best friend? Terry

33. One place that I go to over and over? Work

34. One person who emails me regularly? Terry

35. Favorite place to eat? Yamato’s

Guess Jean already did this one so if you’re reading this and want to do it consider yourself tagged

Tweet It or Delete It?

In light of  Penelope Trunk’s Twitter faux pas heard round the country I thought we’d play a little game today.  Tweet  It or Delete It. That’s right folks it’s educational and super duper family fun all wrapped up into one politically correct game.  In case you’ve had your head buried in your ass  the sand lately, Trunk is a chick who while at an office meeting Twittered she was having a brain infarct miscarriage.  It wasn’t so much what she said but how she said it that grabbed national media attention.  “I’m in a board meeting having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there’s a  @%*^#bleeped-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin.” 

Personally, I don’t give a shit care about her thoughts or actions on abortion.  She has every right to Freedom of Choice and Speech,  however, there’s a time and a place for certain things.  Many people were offended by what she wrote.   Hey, you can do as you please, but be prepared to reap what you sow. 

Many people feel the need to update their status on every little boring detail and drama filled event on their social networking sites. Again, Freedom of Speech here folks, but let’s just use our brains for a moment k?  If it’s something in way of dirty laundry, non- significant information, or sexual activity,  I think the consensus is all most of us don’t give a good God Damn want to know about it. 

I personally use little codes when I feel the need to express something personal or emotional.  I will use the first letter of the word only.  If someone wants to take the time to decode it…it means that they have nothing better to do must really really want to know.  You’re not actually airing your dirty laundry in that sense cuz it’s only known to you. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t bother.  Right? Everyone wins.  You get to speak your mind and the people that really really care will take a significant amount of time out of their day trying to crack the code.

An example of this would be…HWDYWACLNYSI? NIHTGTWAAFTPBP. TALAH!!!  See nothin’ but a bunch of jibberish.  Most people wouldn’t bother even trying to figure that out and just move about their social networking business.  Just in case you’re wondering what the answer is… Hey why didn’t you wear a condom last night you stupid idiot?  Now I have to go to Walgreen’s and ask for the Plan B pill. Thanks a lot ass hole!!!

Now back to our fabulous game of Tweet It or Delete It?  I’m gonna give you a phrase and let’s see if you would Tweet it or Delete it.

1.) My mom just found a huge bag of weed in my dresser drawer.  That bitch doesn’t respect my privacy!

2.) Today’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll go for a run on the beach

3.) Just came from my OB/GYN’s office.  I’m taking 3 different medications for  STD’s . I’m swearing off one night stands for good!  *scratch scratch*

5.) I’m baking my boyfriend brownies for his 25th birthday.

6.) I’m baking my boyfriend pot brownies for his 25th birthday.  Man, were gonna get baked then f*%# like minks!

7.) I’m watching the Steelers v. Browns game.

8.) I’m watching the Steelers v. Browns game while doing my g/f from behind Haha she has no clue!

9.) Have a headache going to bed.

10. I pee’d in my bosses cup of coffee today.  Can’t that bastard get his own cup of coffee?  What?  *shrugging shoulders* He asked me to warm it up!!!

See, now wouldn’t you have rather gouged your eyeballs out wasn’t that fun!

A.)Have you ever spilled TMI on your social networking site that you later regretted?

B.) Have you ever gone to a friend or acquaintance’s page and found something personal that someone else left?  Awkwwwward!!!!!

Don’t be afraid to leave your comments. They’re expected greatly appreciated   Hell, leave a friggin’ code if you want

The Correlation Between Strip Clubs And Ramen Noodles

I’ve made myself a promise recently to keep abreast of what’s been going on in the the news mostly from an economical standpoint.  The news depresses me so I kinda avoid it…but damn it makes for some great blog topics!

Case in point…what is the correlation between Strippers and Ramen noodles? Apparently, both have seen an increase since the Recession.  Today I saw a headline that said the sale of Ramen noodles has been steadily on the rise since the Recession.  Mostly because they are cheap and filling.  I’ve never really liked them myself, but when you have mouths to feed and you’re looking for ways to cut down on the grocery bill, I guess this is the way to go.

Sunday my boyfriend was perusing the news on Yahoo in the finance section and showed me an article that basically said, in times of economical crisis women who lose their jobs, even with an education, turn to stripping and the porn industry to make ends meet.  I hope I don’t EVER get to this point.

There’s a down side to this.  Eventhough women turn to the sex industry for employment, the article also cited that strip clubs were suffering financially from the Recession.

I’ve figured out a way for men to “stimulate” the economy…we’ll hell, maybe even you women too.  Go to your local “titty bar” (sorry if that offends you, but I didn’t give it that name!) and spend those Washington’s like they’re goin out of style. Just don’t be surprised if the All You Can Eat lunch buffet is serving Ramen Noodles!

Halloween Alter Egos

Halloween is one of my favorite Holidays.  It gives me an excuse to whip out one of my alter egos and be it for a whole day.  I have been a Playboy Bunny, a Witch, Cowgirl, Biker Chick, Vampire, Devil, etc etc.   On Halloween you can usually get away with certain things that you wouldn’t normally do or say.  You just blame it on your alter ego.

1.) Have you ever acted in a certain manner or said something on Halloween that you normally couldn’t get away with?  Tell us about it…inquiring minds want to know!

2.) Want to make a Halloween caricature of yourself like mine?  I got this app on Facebook

3.) What was your best Halloween costume or party ever attended?

People At The DMV

After living in Florida almost 3 years, one pick pocket, and nearly 3 months later I finally took the trip down to the local DMV to get a new license. Where do the people inside the DMV come from? Not the employees with their perpetual scowls painted on their faces, but the people inside waiting to conduct their stately business.

Funny you never see these people driving on the road. It’s like walking into the Twilight Zone. Maybe even as if the DMV purposely plants these people there to amuse you because of the never ending lines and unpleasant wait. Looking around you have to wonder if a bus pulled up with a load of Carnies and dropped them off to get their state id’s and driver’s licenses. Do you need a license to operate the Tilt-O-Whirl?

I’m just saying the DMV is a scary place and it’s not the type of place you hang out in longer than you have to or dare to make eye contact with anyone. It seems the DMV will give anyone a license or id providing you have the proper paperwork.

I don’t think asking someone if they have any mental disabilities or illness that prevent one from driving a vehicle is a valid way of assessing that. I think it requires more than a yes or no answer. Maybe they should have a Psychiatrist planted in the crowed listening to and watching people. Surely, half the people in the DMV would be deemed clinically insane and unfit to be behind a wheel.

I think the People of Wal-Mart and the People at the DMV are one in the same.

It’s Raining Men

I recently went on a girl’s night out. As you could imagine I was more than excited to spend an evening out with a bunch of girls chit chatting about current events, family, relationships, etc. Surely, reaffirming that I’m not the only one that has “issues.”

Girls night out is like free therapy…that is, if you discount the drinks and dinner. Who can pour out their woes better and more openly than a bunch of tipsy women, eager to be relieved of the stressors of work, husbands, boyfriends, children, and pets?. Just for the record we had a DD….we’re not completely irresponsible!

After dinner we had plans to hit La Bare men’s club in Ft. Lauderdale. I had no problem with this whatsoever, the last time I had seen male strippers was in my late 20’s, so I thought the stripping industry has surely come a long way since the Chippendales.

Ahhhh, was I wrong! In fact, I think the act of male stripping has actually regressed. From the moment I was able to focus my eyes in the dark neon flashing club filled with scantily clad bikini wearing men, I knew I was in for an interesting show.

I had joked earlier to my boyfriend that I needed singles for the strippers. The truth was, that I wasn’t about to give my hard earned money up to a bunch of male stippers! Besides, I’m not single and maybe 20 years ago I would have liked the attention from an exotic male dancer taking a couple of singles out of my cleavage……but I’m pretty sure it didn’t turn me on, even back then.

Dance Myspace Graphics
Myspace Profile Graphics

I watched with careful attention all the other women in the club. I think our group was probably the most reserved group present. We made a pact when we went in….”what happens in La Bare stays in La Bare.” I’m sure it’s the same pact our husbands and boyfriends make when they walk into any given strip club.

I thought maybe our reservations had more to do with our age and experience, but as I made my observations from my seat, I saw many women my age or older loving the attention. To each his own…who am I to squash somebody’s fun night out?…besides for the most part it’s all harmless flirty fun. If you think about it, they are just doing their job. It’s the women that seem more desperate for the attention.

I wondered who their choreographer was for the club and if they didn’t have one….they were in need of one badly! Some of the men had some moves, but there just isn’t anything sexually arousing to me, watching a man air hump a stage floor or swing around from a leather strap dangling from the ceiling. Who was in charge of this club? Som men were in their own little world upon their dance pedestals, doing their mundane dance numbers off to the side. Lazy strippers!

Personally, I thought this poor little unattractive Native American man crawling across the stage to gather all the stray singles strewn about was more intriguing. What a job…picking up sweaty dollar bills from a filthy floor and they’re not even your tips!

I imagine he stays after when the club’s patrons and dancers have gone home. Sweeping the stage floor and with no one looking on, drops his broom, turns on the music and lights, and dances and swings around the strap hanging from the ceiling.

All in all, it was a great night out and getting to meet some new friends was the most amazing part of the whole night. Would I go back to the club again?…..sure, why not? You should always take every experience for what’s it’s worth. Maybe next time I could loosen up a bit and part with a few singles to help out a struggling artist just trying to make his way through life.

Youtube Moment

Not one of my finer moments I’ll admit. I didn’t realize my then husband was filming me as I was wrestling with the parking meter. I’m not sure what hitting the meter solved, if anything, but taking out my frustration probably hurt my hand more than it hurt the meter!

Since the invention of Youtube ANYONE can have a Youtube moment at any given time. With the prevalent phone and camera techonology we have now, it seems everyone is looking to capture a non-flattering moment and post it on Youtube and the likes of various other internet websites.

I venture to guess that if someone were in distress, instead of a good samaritan act, people are more likely to pull out their phones or cameras to capture the unflattering moment. That’s a scary thought.

Then you have to think about the possibility that a complete stranger is snapping photos or video of you and posting it to websites that you are oblivious to. Imagine one day surfing Youtube videos and you came across a video of you.

Or for instance…lets say one Monday morning you wake up and are enjoying a cup of coffee while surfing the internet. You hear the garbage truck in the distance and realize you forgot to take the trash out the night before. You look down at your atire (crap!) and know you have exaclty 12.5 seconds to get the trash to the curb. There’s no time to change and you can’t let that smelly trash sit around for another week.

What to do…quick decision…you slip on the first pair of shoes closest to the door that happen to be a pair of your hubby’s rubber galoshes. Yeah, that look is hot paired up with your tweety bird capri jammie bottoms and plaid cami. Your hair’s wrapped in huge velcro curlers and you have a cucumber mask on to boot. You run out to the garage to grab the trash cans. You open the garage door and look both ways to make sure the coast is clear. Looks safe enough. You’re down to 5.2 seconds before the garbage truck reaches your house and you’re spotted by the trash men in all your morning hotness!

Wow, you did it. Garbage cans are in place and you run back up the drive safely back in the garage with 1.1 second to spare. It doesn’t hit you until later that night when you wake up in a sweat drenched panic that out of your peripheral vision you remember that your next door neighbor was picking up the morning paper on his sidewalk. You can’t be sure but you think that he might have had something pointed in your direction. You convince yourself that you’re just being paranoid or it was just a dream. You go back to your slumber.

Two weeks later at the the annual block party there’s a huge circle of people surrounding your neighbor laughing and giggling while looking in your direction. One of your friends comes over to inform you that the douche bag is showing his phone video of you trying to beat the garbage truck and telling everyone he posted it on Youtube as well.

Do any of you have any Youtube moments that you didn’t know about until after the fact? Or worse, have you ever filmed a Youtube moment?